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Spiritual Awakening

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Spiritual Awakening

spiritual awakening

For years I proclaimed I was agnostic—I didn’t know if God existed or not. At least that is what I told myself. In reality, I wanted to be agnostic because I was afraid of God—all I knew was a punishing God, one who “knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake.”

I had spent years and years convincing others of my goodness, and I excelled in the role of Miss Goody Two-Shoes: I acted righteous, followed the rules, and did what I was told (except for sneak eating and sneak smoking). But my insides didn’t match my outsides. I would do and say everything right, but I knew, and therefore God knew, about all the things I did that weren’t good—what I refer to as my “little bads.” For example, I might compliment an older relative by saying “That’s a beautiful hat,” but mocking words often reverberated inside my head, and I could actually be thinking “What a ridiculous looking hat.”

Additionally, I always acted loving toward my siblings, especially my brother (six years younger than I). But there were a few times when I did unloving things to him. For instance, many years before the movie A Christmas Story came out, I suggested he put his lip on the ice-cube tray. When it stuck and ripped off some skin, I played the innocent: “Oh, you poor thing. I didn’t know that would happen.” Another time, when I was nine and he was three, the family went swimming at an outdoor pool. I saw a bee land on my towel. In a sugary-sweet voice, I asked my brother to bring me my towel. My loving, devoted little brother picked up the towel, and the bee stung him. I acted blameless, and with all the sincerity I could muster offered, “Oh, you poor thing, I didn’t know there was a bee on the towel.”

As I grew into adulthood, I continued the charade, always looking good and saying the right thing. Inside, though, I criticized and judged others and myself. Although I always acted nice, no one knew about the horde of insults traipsing through my mind. But I knew. And I feared God did, too. I considered myself a phony, and God knew about the deception. In fact, the God I believed in watched me and was keeping track—noting such things as Insincere Compliment Number 983.

I didn’t want to believe in God because I believed in a punishing God who knew me as deceitful, dishonest, and a hypocrite. As the television character Maude used to say, “He’ll get you for that!”  I could, at any time, receive some big time punishment. I was terrified of God’s wrath and the horrible consequences that awaited me for being such a fake.

As a young married woman, I lived a tormented life: I had two healthy children (first a girl, then a boy—just what I wanted); I had a successful husband, a lovely home, and no financial worries. But some day I knew I would receive the punishment I deserved from the God I believed in. My greatest moments of inner agony occurred after giving birth to my healthy second child—now it might be payback time. And what better way to get back at a mom than through her children. Each day, I awoke fraught with fear wondering, Is today the day God will strike one of my children with an incurable disease? What angst. What pain.

God loves me no matter what

After months of this living hell, I attended a Twelve-Step weekend and heard the keynote speaker say, “God loves me no matter what!” Those six words opened a new door for me. Well, maybe it was a window, just a crack, but it was an opening to begin to revise my perception of God.

Unconditional love? What a concept! I listened intently to the speaker, who was totally convinced that he didn’t have to do anything to be loved—he just was. I absorbed his words and, little by little, came to slowly change my view of God from one of punishment and retribution to one of unconditional love.

Opening to a loving Higher Power, whom I now chose to call God (this took me a very long while to get used to), has allowed me to feel permeated with God’s love. I no longer believe in a punishing God—my Higher Power loves me no matter what. I am profoundly grateful I had a spiritual awakening. Instead of the fear I once felt, now I only feel love.             ~excerpted from Stop Eating Your Heart Out: The 21-Day Program to Free Yourself from Emotional Eating.   

Have you had a spiritual awakening? Maybe you’ve always felt a strong connection to the Divine. I’d enjoy hearing about it in the comment section below.

Blessings,

Meryl sig

book cover

P.S. To read more of Stop Eating Your Heart Out, you can purchase your own personally signed copy by clicking here.

The post Spiritual Awakening appeared first on Stop Eating Your Heart Out.


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